TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, town historically noted for ancient society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed through the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the finest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and completely away from place. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have An additional put where by American Adult males can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace try because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: provide Everybody a set over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly comfortable electricity," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated Trump Tower Damascus intercoms set up in Every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It truly is that he should really cease working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the venture, replied, "You realize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people today. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping forms a giant Trump head noticeable from Place, a aspect becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents plus the chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after locating the building's gold plating mirrored a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It can be not merely unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Baffling Capabilities


Probably the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, total with weather Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They'll Occur"


The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Permanently."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "where's the nearest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is presently attracting focus from Intercontinental buyers, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree may also involve:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge where by my PTSD may have convert-down support."


A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Feelings from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It wanted gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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